Do you remember being in school and having a pop quiz? Did your stomach drop when your teacher said, “Okay, put all of your books and notes away. It’s time for a pop quiz”? I would think, “Oh no, have I been paying attention lately? Do I remember what we’ve been studying? Will I pass this?”
Being a parent of a toddler is like having a pop quiz every day (sometimes more than one) that you can’t really prepare yourself for. The questions never stop coming. Some days you surprise yourself and rock it, while others you just feel like you didn’t know hardly any of the answers and failed miserably.
We drive past a cemetery on the way to my daughter’s new school. It’s a really beautiful one. There’s a lake in the middle with a paved path around it. It is maintained meticulously, and each tombstone has artificial flowers on it. Since they are artificial flowers, they always look like they are blooming. The flowers are so colorful; they seem to brighten up the whole cemetery and make it a happier place. My daughter noticed that too.
My daughter, Ellie, who’s 4 going on 30, has started asking a lot of questions (one million a day to be more exact). Ha, ha! At this age sometimes her innocent questions can lead to fairly serious discussions about life. After driving by the cemetery a few times, this conversation begins.
Ellie: “Mommy, I wish I could pick some of those flowers for you (from the cemetery).”
Me: “Honey, you can’t pick those.”
Ellie: “But why mommy?”
And so it begins.
Me: “That is a cemetery, and those flowers aren’t ours. We can’t buy those like we can at a store, and we can’t pick them like we can from our yard. They don’t belong to us.”
Ellie: “But why? What’s a cemetery?”
My stomach feels a little anxious as I think about what to do. I think about not telling her at all right now. Is she ready for this kind of information? I just didn’t have it in me that day to tell her.
Me: “I’ll explain it to you, just not today.”
Ellie: “Why?”
Me: “Honey, I’ll tell you later.”
Ellie: “Okay, mommy.”
She doesn’t quickly forget, so within a day or two from that original question, she was back at it. It was time to explain. I thought, “Well, here goes nothing.”
Me: “So, you know when I told you about the dog mommy and daddy used to have, Pickens (aka Pickens Lickens), the most adorable Boston Terrier that we had before you were born. Well, he got older and got really sick. He died, and he went to heaven. Do you remember us talking about heaven?”
Ellie: “Oh yeah. I remember.”
Deep breath, Mom. You can do this.
Me: “So, when people get older, their bodies tend to get sick, and when they die, they go to Heaven. Their soul leaves their body and goes to heaven, and their bodies are buried and stay here on Earth. So, they aren’t really here anymore.”
Pause for possible reaction. My anxiety ensues.
Ellie: “But mommy how do they get to heaven? Do they drive there?”
My heart just about exploded. That was the sweetest and the most unexpected response.
Me: “Aww, honey, no. We can’t drive to heaven. God lifts our souls out of our body and takes them to heaven. He handles us getting there.”
Ellie: “Oh, okay.”
So that was the end of the discussion for the day. Whew, breathe momma! I thought, “Well, that didn’t go so badly. Hopefully, I did okay. Geez, I don’t know though.”
So, about a day later on the way to school, the bomb dropped. We were driving by again.
Ellie: “Mommy, I wish I could be buried there, so I could have some of those flowers.”
I almost ran off the road. OMG! OMG! My heart skipped a beat.
Me (trying not to just freak out): “Honey, no, no, no. Please don’t ever say that again. You are going to live a long life, and you don’t want to buried there right now. I promise.”
Ellie: “But why?”
Me: “We want you to be here on earth with mommy and daddy as long as possible, so we want you to live a long life. If you go to heaven, then we wouldn’t get to see each other anymore at least for now. So, please don’t ever say that again, okay?”
Ellie: “Okay, mommy.”
I joked with my husband and my sister that I may stop driving that way to school. It’s a shortcut but not a necessary one. I chose to go ahead and tell her about the cemetery instead of hiding it longer. I chose to tell her my beliefs about the afterlife. I chose to explain it the best way I could. What grade did I get? I really don’t know. That question shook me up and stayed with me awhile (and still has). I know my daughter is okay even though there is no way to grasp all of that at four years old. Heck, I still have trouble grasping it at 38 years old!
There aren’t enough books, videos, or literature to review and prepare us for each parental pop quiz that comes our way. One thing I know is our kids aren’t grading us. They love us the same whether we make a 100, a 60 or an 85 on our parental pop quizzes. Parents, let’s throw our grade book out the window. We are rocking it every single day! Our kids aren’t making notes of our mistakes or when we don’t know an answer. They just want hugs, love, support, and security.
Yesterday when I dropped her off for her eighth day at her new school, she had trouble letting go of me. This was the first time she’d done it. She grabbed onto my leg and began to cry. This went on for about five minutes. She wouldn’t let go. I left a little brokenhearted, but I knew she’d be okay. In a weird way, her holding on to me made me feel needed and loved. Today, I hugged her bye, and she took off without even looking back like she normally does. I felt a little twinge of sadness and ask her to come back for one more hug. I felt her teacher look at me like “Are you crazy? What are you doing? She’s okay. Remember what happened yesterday?” Ha, ha! I didn’t care. I kissed her cheek and squeezed her one more time. I got one more smile. I needed that.
Until we can “drive” or “ride” to heaven, God gave us these wonderful children to mold. He trusts us. Trust yourself too, even if you feel like you’ve failed the last 10 pop quizzes. No one else is keeping track, and we shouldn’t either. Kids are resilient. Things can change dramatically with them from day to day, just like it did at school from one morning to the next.
Pass or fail we receive unconditional love from our children. There is no greater gift than that.
