Sometimes I yell. Sometimes I lose my patience. Sometimes I feel mean, sad, and out of control when trying to be a mom. Did I say sometimes or a lot? Do I deserve this beautiful creature standing in front of me? God, what do I do to be a good mom? I constantly feel lost in my parenting. Sometimes I just don’t feel cut out to be a mom.
A few months back on a beautiful, sunny Saturday in August, I was sitting at our wonderful neighborhood swimming pool. Ellie took this adorable picture shown above about thirty minutes before we arrived there. This photo is just one example of how Facebook does not equal reality. It was the calm before the storm.
Shortly after arriving at the pool, my three year old decided to throw a full blown twenty-five (25) minute tantrum there unlike anything I’d seen before. She drew the attention of the entire pool and refused to get in the pool for her swimming lesson. I was at a complete loss for what to do. By the way, this is her third swimming lesson, not her first.
Part of me felt some mom guilt for her struggle to get in the pool. We all have too much self-induced mom guilt. I am right? Ellie hasn’t gotten to spend a lot of time in the pool since she was born. With my medical conditions, my doctor advised me to stay out of all swimming pools. He doesn’t even want me to dip my legs or feet in the water. The chlorine is too much for my body to handle. Fun, right? So, as a former swimming teacher, it has been extra hard to be a mom and not help her get more comfortable in the water.
As a parent, I can’t help but feel responsible for her behavior that day and every day. I felt like I was failing. I felt like I couldn’t parent. Ever had one of those days or a lot of those days? I can’t control her behavior and many times I can’t even influence it. I try to do positive parenting, listen to understand, encourage, then I move to tactics of negotiation, threats, then finally yelling. Nothing seems to work. By the end, I’m losing my mind and feeling like a mean mommy. Desperation kicks it. Just make it stop! I don’t really read instruction manuals, just ask my husband. However, in this instance, if she came with one, I just might read it front to back daily.
What I’ve realized is that I can’t control her behavior, but I know that does not mean I’m failing as a parent. She’s another human being. We aren’t put on earth to control each other. I have to remind myself she’s also three. Three years old. While she may talk incredibly grown up and use words that shock me they are so smart, she’s dealing with a whole world of emotions that she just can’t handle and understand sometimes. I’ve realized fear and anxiety are two big emotions she is working through too. We all know how we feel when we are overwhelmed with fear and anxiety, which is not good at all.
That day I realized it wasn’t the swimming lesson that upset me. It was just the last straw of life that day and that week as a parent that made me feel like maybe I wasn’t cut out to be a mom. It’s the every day battles with her, the misbehavior in every store, the blatant disregard for everything I say and yes, the 2,000+ questions she asks me every single day that sometimes just make me crack. Don’t misunderstand me though. There are so many extraordinary moments with her too, every single day, but sometimes those can feel few and far between when you are in the thick of it. On this day it felt as if I was drowning in a sea of tough moments. Where do I find more patience? May I please order that on Amazon Prime? I’ll happily pay double.
Tears began to stream down my face at the pool, and I sense of calm came over me finally. I know how much I love her. I know how much I love being her mom, and I also know how lucky I am to be a mom. Even on the worst day of tantrums, moodiness, and attitude, things really aren’t that bad. I’ve just undoubtedly learned the true meaning of threenager now. May the good lord above help me through the real teenage years. I have a feeling I haven’t seen anything yet!
So, really it isn’t the end of the world that her dad had to get in the pool with his clothes on for the swimming lesson with the teacher. Ellie gripped him tightly for dear life almost the entire time. It didn’t end up helping much, but he tried. He always tries, and for that I’m blessed. All we can do as parents is try and try again.
If you don’t have kids, I know the tantrums look and sound out of control. I remember seeing kids at the grocery store before I had my own and thinking “Whoa, really? You can’t do a little bit to control them?” Many times in life we just can’t grasp a situation until we actually go through it. I definitely grasp the reality of that now. If we had a magic switch to turn them off, you better believe we would. One day the tantrums will improve. Until then please have patience with us when our child loses it in public. We are trying; I promise.
We bathed her after getting home from the pool. She asked, “Mom, I’m pushing the limits today?” A phrase I’ve often used. All I can do is smile to myself, take a deep breath, and say, “yes, yes you are.”
Just because my daughter misbehaves and throws tantrums on the regular, I’m not failing. You aren’t failing. I’m parenting. I tuck my daughter in every night many times feeling that I wish I’d been more patient, kind, and loving that day. I’m loving her, encouraging her, hugging her, giving her kisses, praying with her, reading her books and Bible stories, feeding her very healthy food, playing games with her, and teaching her right from wrong. Sometimes I’m yelling, sometimes I’m losing my patience, and sometimes I’m overreacting.
I am parenting the best way I know how, and you are too. I will continue to ask God for his continued guidance because ultimately Ellie is his daughter. God has trusted me with her, and I should trust myself too, mistakes and all. Like everything else in life, there is always room for improvement. We are cut out to be moms and darn great ones! Throw that self-doubt out with the trash, and give yourself a hug. You rock, momma! I need to tell myself that every once in awhile.
